This was written by a client of mine (an English Teacher). Her class is studing Romeo & Juliet:)
Lisa and Megan are my clients and of course I'm Heatherolio:)
A one scene play written in the tradition of William Shakespeare, written by Lisa Heck
[enter Lisentia and Meganiva, both visibly in pain]
Lisentia: My mind misgives some consequence yet hanging in the stars shall bitterly begin upon the morrow.
Meganiva: Good cousin, I do beseech thee: do not fear thine thighs or thine buttocks, for each are surely nought as tender as mine own, for Heatherolio is as vengeful as a roaring tiger and her affects are as extreme as the raging sea.
Lisentia: Peace, peace, good Meganiva! Do not speak of the great Heatherolio! Thine subtle mention of so frightful a name remembers me yesternight’s revels.
Meganiva: [suddenly inspired] Tush! I fear not! Hold my elbow and my hand, ho! I shall inspire you, my cousin, with sweet rememberance of crossing thine ankle upon thine leg, for the hurt cannot be much! [she moves to set her ankle upon her knee and falters, in obvious pain]
Lisentai: [reaching out to support her, astonished] Forsworn! Be it not so! Surely you wiln’t, upon this night, attempt such an act yet twenty and four hours after yesternight! For thou and thine withstood before mine eyes, forty times upon each leg so short a time ago! Surely you jest!
Meganiva: Upon my word, you are true, good Lisentia! I darest not do so foolish an act without the mighty Heatherolio upon my side! But ‘tis true, Heatherolio has wreaked havoc on our buttocks. Oh vile misfortune!
Lisentia: Yes, and as they say, if today be as it is, then the morrow…oh terrible…terrible! I fear the soft flesh of my buttocks shall never find its careful way—
Meganiva: --off the toilet?
Lisentia: Yes, good cousin, yes, ‘off the toilet,’ as you say. If you should fail to see me upon the morrow, I do beseech thee: seek me where we speak of, upon the toilet of the Doughy. I shall certainly be upon that place. But first seek the mercy of the great Heatherolio, for thine own buttocks and thighs, like mine are weak with famine of oxygen, broken and discordant. Thou will need the strength of two and twenty men to pull me from the site, and Heatherolio is mighty in her powers. Meganiva, good my friend, I too will seek to find thou upon the morrow. And if I, so gently walking, do not see your visage, I shall come to thine “Shitter o’Keith” and move you from your torment.
Meganiva: This you must swear, as I do so swear to thine own self.
Lisentia: Agreed. [she moves to leave, but has much trouble moving at all] Upon the morrow then, dear friend. Comfort be upon thy muscles unaffected.
Meganiva: And upon thine as well.
[exit Meganiva and Lisentia, walking like they have sticks in their asses]